南の猫の里帰り雑記

29年ぶりに帰国して3年日本にいたけどNZに里帰り

 英語三行連続小説 2008年総集編

Once upon a time,
in a land far far away in the east,
there was a small country called Hatena.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

The joyful people,
who lived there were called,
a. Hatenan.
b. Hatenese.
c. Hatenean.
う〜ん、どれがいいかな?*1

(投稿者:minani-no-neko)

Three tomatos, papa tomato, mama tomato, and baby tomato, were walking down the road.
The baby tomato walked so slowly that he got left behind, and he shouted "wait!!"
The papa tomato returned to the baby tomato and crashed him, saying: "catch up (ketchup)!!"

(投稿者:thedayofthejackal様)

The Hateneans earned their living by engaging in various strange activities inexplicable to outsiders.
The King of the Hatenans was called id:jkondo, while the Queen was called id:reikon.
All looked peaceful, but one day there was a crisis on the village of Hatena... 

(投稿者:akibare様)

Two blonds found tracks.
One said "Lion's tracks!!" and the other one said "No!! Tiger's tracks!!"
Suddenlly, a train came and hit them. 

(投稿者:thedayofthejackal様)

The train that hit two blonds derailed,
went over the border towards the village of Hatena,
and came down the steep hill, scattering the inside of its cargo. 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

But none of the Hateneans initially took any notice of the crashing sound
as they were all busy posting comments at their new village facility, dubbed Hatena Haiku.
In the morning, one of the early risers finally noticed the wrecked train and the scattered cargo... 

(投稿者:akibare様)

A man and a woman crawled out of the cargo.
The woman asked the man: "Hey, are you alright?"
But the man did not answer... 

(投稿者:thedayofthejackal様)

The man opened his mouth, and something red gushed out from him.
It splashed into the woman's mouth, when she was about to scream.
The air was filled with sweet smell and the woman tasted tomato ketchup in her mouth. 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Ough shit...disgusting... you didn't drink the whole bottle of ketchup in there, did you?" said the woman, coughing hard.
"Sorry... there was nothing else in that train and I was getting hungry you know." explained the man.
"Excuse me. Who are you guys? Why are you here? What is all that red smelly stuff?" asked the innocent Hatena villager.

(投稿者:akibare様)

"Could you give me a hand before asking questions?" said the man to the villager,
adding "I thought it was too obvious that I couldn't get out."
The villager very innocently asked "What did you say?" 

(投稿者:nofrills様)

"I said" the man said wiping his mouth, "COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND, PLEASE?"
Observing the situation, the woman yelled at the villager: "Hey, didn't you understand what he said? He is injured!"
The villager answered calmly: "日本語でおk" 

(投稿者:thedayofthejackal様)

Out of the blue, there appeared an angel and gave them a small, yellow and leech-like thing.
"Just put it into your ears," said the angel. "It's called the 'babel fish'. It can translate all the languages in the universe -- English, Japanese, or what-so-ever." 

(投稿者:nofrills様)

"Also," the angel turned to the man again.
A creature, about the size and shape of a caterpillar, appeared in the hand of the angel.
"It looks like you could use Dentics," the angel pried open the man's mouth and stuck the caterpillar-like creature, "this will greatly improve your oral hygiene." 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Never mind his oral hygiene!" screamed the woman. "HE IS INJURED! Can't you see it? If you are an angel, could you ..."
"Yes of course I can see it," answered the angel. "But I'm sorry I'm not authorised to cure. You've got to get another angel -- a medic, in a sense. It is part of heavenly red tapes, you know." 

(投稿者:nofrills様)

Irritated, the woman whipped out a bowgun and shot the angel down.
She reloaded the bowgun, pointed it to the Villager (who was calmy wathing the whole event) and said in a harsh voice
"Okay. You! Take us to your leader." 

(投稿者:akibare様)

King Kondo was having a very nice day.
He'd just finished his planning for his new wing in the palace.
He was looking out the window with his cup of tea in his hand, thinking how beautiful and peaceful the day was, then suddenly... 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

A woman burst into the room, a bow gun in one hand, clutching the scuff of an unconscious man in the other.
"Hey, are you the leader of this...this...what is this place?"
"I am truly sorry, my lord," muttered the villager who followed the woman into the room. 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

When King Kondo looked up, Queen Reikon entered the room. "Your Majesty, I think I heard some noise. What has happened?"
She fainted when she saw the badly injured man.
King Kondo said to himself, "Too many people in one place, and too many things going on at one time... I've got to ask Mr Umeda what is the best way to handle this."
 

(投稿者:nofrills様)

When the King reached for the telephone on his desk to call Mr. Umeda,
the woman swiftly came around the desk and pointed the loaded bowgun to his chin.
"Just what do you think you are doing? Calling for help?"
 

(投稿者:akibare様)

Seeing the woman very furious, the King didn't know what to do, or what to say. The woman yelled, "Just tell me where we are!"
As the King tried to open his mouth, the woman found something on the wall. "There you are! This is a map, isn't it?"
 

(投稿者:nofrills様)

(イラスト:id:kondo)

The King smiled gently and said
"Ah, that drawing! That actually shows my ability to bend time"
"Let me demonstrate"

(投稿者:akibare様)

"No, you don't!" The woman shot the bow gun.
But the arrow just shot through a trace of big grin, where the king used be.
"See, like this." The king reappeared behind the woman, gently took the bow gun away from her.
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Now, let us start, in more civilized way."
The King handed the weapon to the villager and faced the woman.
The villager bowed and went out of the room.
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"You can address me as 'Lord' or 'Your Highness'" said the King,
"I need to warn you though madame - if you do anything funny, you are going to regret it."
"Let's start with your names, shall we?" the King continued in a cheeful tone.
 

(投稿者:akibare様)

"My name is... Mama Tomato..."
While the woman was talking, her body trembled, blurred, and melted into a shiny red tomato shape.
"And this is my husband, Papa Tomato."
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

King Kondo, who, as you might imagine, is not often surprised by anything, was taken back.
"That's incredible! And you are going to tell me that you had a Baby Tomato as well, but
you squished him into ketchup because he as trailing behind??"

(投稿者:akibare様)

"N..No, my Lord," said Mama Tomato, turning green.
"It was him." She somehow managed to point to her husband.
The badly injured man, as you might imagine, turned into a half-squashed red tomato.
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Hmm.... you guys are really weird..." muttered the King, and suddenly called for his chef.
The royal chef came into the room within few minutes and asked what was the matter.
"Can we have sphagetthi bolonese tonight for dinner?" asked the King.
 

(投稿者:akibare様)

"Your Majesty," said the chef, "I'm afraid that we have run out of ..."
"Tomatos?" said the King, with a grin. "Don't worry about it. We have these: one ex-woman and one ex-injured man." The King laughed.
"No, Mylord," replied the chef. "It is spaghetti that we have run out. It just flew away, saying it would save the Mankind."
 

(投稿者:nofrills様)

"Ok, I'll settle for Pizza." sighed King Kondo.
"Well, my Lord," the chef hesitated to continue.
"Oh, what is it? What have you run out now? Did the flour follow the spaghetti?"
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"No, we have not run our flour, salt, or any other thing," replied the chef. "But there is a problem..."
"What is it, now? I am hungry. I demand to have some food! Now!" The King banged the desk.
The chef lowered his head, and said in a weak voice. "My lord, it is the Vinni Puh bear from Russia!"


(投稿者:nofrills様)

"He's stuck in the doorway and demanding something,
but we cannot understand a word he's saying."
King Kondo sighed again, "OK, I'll send another babel fish angel to the kitchen."
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

ZZZZZZZZZZZ
YYYYYYYYYYYYYY
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (withdrawn by the user)

"Captain Testu, you've lost your babel fish again!"
While staffing the leach-like creature into his ear, the angel complained to King Kondo.
"You have to recruit more angels. We're one down and the work load is incredible."
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Soon, we will not be needing you babel fish angels anymore.. our programmershave been
working non-stop to create a whole new Village service as a replacement.
Once that's finished, I am sorry to say you will be out of work.."
 

(投稿者:akibare様)

"You can't do that!" cried the angel.
"We've been working so hard to keep these fish! They're so fussy, bossy, lazy, demanding...."
"Now, I wonder where that bow gun is now. It did shut up the angel before." Kind Kondo muttered under his breath.
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

Suddenly, Babel fish went into action and the King heard a loud chant that went:
"Give me hunny! Give me hunny! Give me hunny" shattering the silience inside the room.
It was Vinni Puh who was still stuck in the doorway, screaming in a screechy voice.
 

(投稿者:akibare様)

King Kondo was very tempted to pull out the Babel Fish from his ear.
What happened to the peaceful moment he enjoyed just an hour ago?
But, being a dutiful king, he made his way to the kitchen, followed by an angel still going on about their work, life, the universe and everything.
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

King Kondo soon saw the big yellow bear stuck at the entrance to the royal kitchen,
furiously trying to set him self free while incessantly muttering
"Hunny..... I need more huny....," breathing hard and with a blank face.
 

(投稿者:akibare様)


(投稿者:akibare様)

Queen Reiko nearly fainted again, when she opened her eyes and saw a huge green tomato and a huge half-squashed red totmato in the room.
But the awful noise from the kitchen didn't allow her to go back to the blissful unconsciousness.
She picked herself up and made her way to the royal kitchen.
 

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

The green tomato was rolling around the red tomato, trying to get him moving to no avail.
The chef went all the way around the building to reach the kitchen's backdoor (as the main one was still blocked).
He came back with a huge knife and an enormous bowl, and started chopping the tomatoes, singing "Return of Killer Tomatoes."


(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

Bananas came into the room and joined in.


Then, the eggs.

And some milk.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

Next, the carrots, all the way from Korea.


Followed by a cucumber,

and Piccolo.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

The freezer in the kitchen exploded when Piccolo finished his song.
The bear was blasted off from the doorway.
The chef gathered up all the ingredients and made his way to the kitchen, still humming happily.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

Kind Kondo reached the kitchen first, "What..."
Queen Reiko arrived next, "The..."
Lastly, the chef, between the king and the queen, through the mountains of food in his arms, took a glance at his beloved kitchen and shouted. "Fu..."

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Fudge! Oh, no! My beautiful fudge!"
The kitchen was covered with sweet smelling sticky slime,
still steaming, still dripping from the ceiling.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"Fudge, is it?" King Kondo and Queen Raiko's voice echoed in unison.
"Well, My Lord, My Lady...when I added spice X that My Lord has given me,
it started swelling and growing at a tremendous speed."

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

"When you summoned me, I put it in the fridge."
The chef continued apologetically.
"I thought it might help stopping the process."

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

While the chef was talking, the steaming slime was cooling off.
All the bits and pieces covering the kitchen ceiling, walls, floor and all the equipments,
started to converge on top of the huge preparation table in the middle of the kitchen.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)

The King, the Queen and the chef went into the kitchen.
There is an enormous pink blob on the table, slightly vibrating.
"Hum, this is interesting," the King poked his finger at it.

(投稿者:minami-no-neko)
id:akibare様、id:nofrills様、id:thedayofthejackal様、あけましておめでとうございます。事後承諾で申し訳ありませんが一年分(?)まとめさせていただきました。昨年はいろいろと遊んでいただきありがとうございました。

*1:Hatenian使用中